When that love affair you thought was the ‘real thing’ ends, you may find that the pain and anguish of separating completely overwhelm you. You feel frozen in time, drowning in your emotions and you just don’t know how you will cope or ever feel happy again.
While all your defences come rushing in to protect you from the hurt and the pain of lost love, it’s true that everyone reacts differently.
You may find yourself withdrawing from the world and isolating yourself. Or you may become a manic ペアーズ ヤリモク. You might become totally immersed in your work or unable to concentrate on anything beyond your thoughts and sorrow. You might find yourself begging and pleading with your partner to try again or you might shock yourself becoming angry, aggressive and even abusive in your exchanges.
The simple truth is if you want something different, you need to be doing something different. It’s simple but not always easy.
If you want a happy relationship next time around, you need to understand yourself better. You need to know why you keep getting into certain patterns of relationships. You need to understand what needs to happen for you to have a fulfilling and happy relationship in the future. You need to know what a healthy relationship is.
So, decide now that you will use this time of crisis as an opportunity to focus on you: to learn more about yourself, to feel more confident and feel good about who you are. Decide to use this time to understand why your relationships haven’t worked out up to now and to learn how to create future relationships that are healthy, fulfilling, authentic and happy.
Step 1: Give Yourself Space
- You need space now so agree not to have contact with each other. You will just keep the unhealthy cycle going.
- Make yourself a commitment not to go straight into another relationship – there is every chance you will repeat the same mistakes
Step 2: Stay in Touch with Others
- Depression rates are higher for people who have a perceived lack of social support
- Stay in contact with friends and family who can be supportive
- Try to get out and do things – even if it means ‘forcing’ yourself out of your comfort zone
- Experience new things and places rather than those that bring back painful memories
Step 3: Start Your Journey of Self Healing
- Start a diary or journal, write poetry, use music or art if you prefer. Many people find this useful for two reasons in particular:
First, you have a space to dump your raw feelings without worrying about others’ reactions or judgement. Emotions are energy and they need release or they end up coming out in unhealthy ways.
Secondly, getting your thoughts and feelings out of your head, helps you to organise and make sense of what’s going on for you. Rather than the thoughts and feelings continuing to chaotically swirl around, going nowhere, you can be more objective when when you take them out of your head.
Step 4: Know that Others have Felt this Way
- Realise you are not alone. The relief of getting that you are not the only one going through this pain can’t be over-estimated. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people saying, “I thought I was going crazy, I thought I was the only one feeling this way”, or “I’m so relieved… I thought something was wrong with me!”
Step 5: Get Professional Help
- Seeking professional help doesn’t mean you are crazy. You don’t have to worry about hurting your therapist’s feelings, you don’t have to worry about them judging you. This means, you can be totally honest with whatever is going on with you – however ‘crazy’ it all seems.
- Sharing what’s going on in your head is like taking a ball of yarn and slowly and in a safe place beginning to unravel it.
It is only when you are able to process your own feelings sufficiently — the loss, the pain, the anger, the grief — that you can truly let go and begin the process of understanding who you are. And when you have a loving and fulfilling relationship with yourself you are in the best place possible to attract a loving and fulfilling relationship with someone else.